Depression-riding the storm of the black hour

Churchill called his depression the black dog. Depression is very real and very debilitating. When it comes, it takes no prisoners. I can’t help thinking that Churchill’s champagne quaffing did little to ease his misery. 

Alcohol and depression are not good bed fellows. 

 

At times it creeps like a cat burglar in the early hours of the morning- 2am to be exact, certainly in my case. There’s not usually an imminent reason or a purpose behind it and everyone experiences it differently. 

 

Other times it hits like a juggernaut flooring you and zapping the energy out of you, rendering you to sleep for entire days in a pool of your own filth and perspiration. 

 

I can pinpoint mine and I can even see it coming over the horizon, like a looming grey cloud getting ever increasingly darker. 

In the days/weeks leading up to it my body fills with a buzz and I appear to have more energy than a woman in their 40 ‘s should have. I’m invincible and can carry out several tasks quickly and with little effort. 

 

I can achieve amazing things. This is my creative time. 

 

Then it comes on…. 

 

I used to be a happy go lucky person so I know mine is not clinical or due to a chemical imbalance, it’s purely circumstantial. Mine is as the result of prolonged anxiety and extreme stress following a few occurrences in my private life and coupled with not doing the things that fill my soul. Lack of creativity and spending too long in normal suburban life does little to ward off my depressive state. 

 

I’m not a TV or film watcher and the lockdown situation only compounded my low mood.In fact I can name 2 occasions in the past year when my body and soul were truly laughing. 

 

The other times were pretend, put on, faked for the camera. 

 

Have you ever wished whole months away? Times when nothing is fulfilling you? Times when you pray there must be something else?, 

 

Times when you consider what the alternative is to this soulless inert state? 

 

I do. 

 

The latest incident left me sleeping for hours, not bathing for days, losing interest in anything. 

 

When it comes along I just ride the storm of the black hour and pray I survive. 

 

It’s important to remember that depression, along with severe and chronic mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, also affect a person’s physical health. Depression is more than just feeling sad or having negative thoughts.  

I know it’s not for everyone. I didn’t search for writing, it just came to me. I could escape in my writing or, more importantly, face up to my problems by unravelling them on paper.